I cant do this

Im so scared, i try not to show it so much but it is so hard. I love brennan, i actually love him. i care about him so so much. i always have. Im making myself sick thinking about this so much. i try to go to the hospital whenever i can. i hate hearing people talk about him, what they think the outcomes of this will be, and i just want to punch them. they have no fucking idea what will happen and they shouldnt be saying anything. brennan is strong and i know that, but im stilll scared. it makes me question what will happen in the future? what will the recovery process be. im worried, but i will stick through this, no matter what the outcome is, im 100% completely in. with all this going on the last thing i want to think about is school. i have a french test tomorrow i know i am going to fail i dont know any of the stuff on there. i try to memorize it but when i do my mind travels. ive been writing trying to make myself calm down, and concentrate but its not working. i have an exam im sure i will fail as well tomorrow. this is all too much. and to top it all off the grant the guy i used to like and he use to like me, ( we are like bestfriends) likes lexi and texted me that they have a “thing” like come on fuck that. not that i really care, i mean i dont like him anymore but still. he knows i hate her. and my friends well so called friends are besties with lexi and they know that they hvae a “thing” and NONE of them have told me. he told me. like come on you guys are suppose to be my friends just tell me stuff like that. It has just been too much to handle. im worried sick about brennan. and even though ryan and i werent close it still breaks my heart that i will never see him again. the funeral was hard to get through today, ani wasnt even close with him. i cant imagine what is would be like for someone close to him. i try to reach out to his friends. i dont want to be that annoying bitch though, so i dont try too hard. but still this sucks all of it, i hate it and i wish it was all just a really really really bad dream and i could wake up and everything was back to normal, because im scrared. at this point i could care less about summber being here soon or about going to the concert this weekend or just anything. i feel it is almost wrong of me to have fun while ryan is dead and brennan is in the hospital. i dont know what to do, i need a friend but i dont want to be annoying. i just dont know what to do and im so so scared